Naled For Manhood

There are unconfirmed reports from Sara Goodwill, our roving correspondent who reports on National Football League events that trouble is brewing in the locker room of the St. Louis Ram team. NO, it has nothing to do with shootings in Ferguson, Missouri. A much more critical racial and sexual battle has commenced in the locker room. Michael Sam, the first, and, allegedly only representative of the gay community seeks employment as a tight end. Naturally, if one wants to become a tight end, it also means their end must be firm, tight, and untouched by male hands. Members of the St. Louis Ram team have not been discussing shooting in the St. Louis area, but a much more critical issue–should members of the St. Louis Ram team shower in the same area where Sam showers? This dilemma has raised several issues:

1. Are players allowed to whirl their towel in the direction of Sam’s lower extremities?

2. If a bar of soap falls to the ground, are Ram players allowed to reach down and expose their rear end if Sam is in the vicinity?

3. Is a Ram player allowed to be completely naked in the shower if Sam is close by?

I am fully aware that football players hug and kiss one another after a touchdown, but what is the proper response to this event if Sam is present? These are THE issues confronting St. Louis in August, 2014!