Category Archives: Fred Thompson

ARM AMERICA FOR FREEDOM!

We are pleased to announce the formation of an Arm America For Freedom organization which is dedicated to the proposition that if every American was armed, violence in the world would end. Just imagine if President Obama appeared on TV with two guns on his belt and an Uzi machine gun pointing at members of the media. Finally, ISIS would recognize that America is out to get them. Imagine if EVERY American had a BAR or a assault rifle with him at work or at home. Does anyone really think that ISIS would dare launch an attack upon such well armed people? I propose the following steps to prevent terrorists from gaining a foothold in our land:

1. It is obvious that ISIS members wear beards. Solution-lock up every tan skinned man who wears a beard.

2. Blow up every plane flying in the Middle East. OH, a few innocent people might get killed, but we would prevent ISIS from taking over planes.

3. That great American, Governor Rick Perry, has pointed out that terrorists are crossing over from Mexico. Why not man the walls along the border with machine guns and blast away at anyone approaching our borders. Rick is never wrong, so go along with his police of prevention.

4. America needs some dramatic event to put ISIS on the defense. We propose that President Obama along with Senator John McCain should lead a cavalry charge in Iraq against ISIS forces. Can you just see the sword in the hand of President Obama as he raises it, points toward ISIS defenses, and shouts, CHARGE! They will scatter to the winds!

Don’t Mess With The Man!

A major problem in Russia, Ukraine and the world is President Putin’s complete and absolute control over all aspects of the government. He has no institution or people able to check this power, and thus the bully man so enjoys speaking to the world in tones that insist it is either his way or no way. Speaking before a pro-Kremlin youth camp, the boss made clear, that “Russia is a one of the leading nuclear powers,” and “it is best not to mess with us.” In any language these words are a threat, but hopefully, not a promise. Putin has decided what will take place in Ukraine, and it that government either agrees with his decision or it faces the prospect of more Russian soldiers entering the country.

What then for the world?

1. The European Union and the United States of America must announce a complete boycott of the purchase of goods from Russia as well as the sale of such products.

2. The United States must admittedly announce it will sell oil to European nations as well as gas.

3. Both the US and the European Union must cease allowing planes to fly to Russia or allow passengers from that country to land in their countries.

4. Leaders of China, the US, and the European Union must meet with an open agenda. Make clear to Putin that no force will be employed against Russia, but that country will become an isolated entity in the world. No sanctions will be lifted if Russia forces its way into eastern Ukraine.

Make Putin explain economic chaos to his business community!

A Letter To Xul

Dear Y

As you know, I have been our planet’s emissary to the backward life forms on this place that is called, Earth(of course in the Xulian language it is known as the “Mysterious Land.” I have now spent over 83 Earth years(22 Xulian years) on this planet which only knows the virtues of war, hate, and violence. I recently received a communication from the Council Of Love which indicates my stay on this planet will shortly come to an end, and I will return home. Let me share with you some characteristics of these life forms.

1. They have an incredible fascination with weapons of destruction. Of course, it has been over ten thousand years since anyone on Xul has ever been in contact with a weapon of anger, as we term them. Here, they revel in firing such weapons -UPON ONE ANOTHER!

2. These “humans” are the most adept life forms on this planet in the act of destroying other life forms. Ironically, they term life forms such as lions or wolves or panthers as “dangerous” even while they slaughter them by the thousands!

3. On this planet it is forbidden to approach a stranger and offer them a kiss, such acts of love are met with angry looks.

4. Humans engage in incredible violence against one another in what they term, “wars.” The other day a group of humans displayed to the entire world destroying a life form!

5. On Earth, a small number of humans hoard incredible amounts of goods while other humans do without enough to survive. They term this concept: CAPITALISM. In other words, unlike our world in which all share equally in goods and services, here on Earth, most lack while a few control over 40% of all goods. If anyone opposes this nonsensical idea, they are termed, as violent creatures seeking to take from those who have.

6. OH, they even have a concept they term, GOD. Supposedly, there is some life form up in the sky who lives forever and controls and directs all planets in the Universe!

Anyway, I so look forward to leaving this mysterious planet and get back to civilization!

Your friend, as always, S.

HEADLINES FROM WORLD PRESS

We offer samples of headlines that appeared in the world press along with our comments.

Russia, Moscow Times: “Prison Guards Get Lounge Chairs”

To relax after beating the hell out of prisoners, I assume.

Norway, Norway Post: “Helicopter Pilot Gives Girl Lift To Beach”

How about a lift to the waves for the helicopter?

Sweden, Local: “Swedish Teachers Feel Not Valued”

By students or parents is the question?

New Zealand, New Zealand Herald: “Boy Wins Battle For Log House”

Congratulations, Daniel Boone.

Denmark, Copenhagen Post: “God Goes To A Festival”

Leave it to we humans to use this as one more excuse for murder.

USA, aol: “Surely Common Sense”

If you cut taxes and less money comes to the government, your deficit rises.

Turkey, Hurriyet: “Man Kills Wife In Broad Daylight”

That’s what happens when a woman goes out without a hijab?

HEADLINES FROM WORLD PRESS

Each day we offer samples of headlines that appeared in the world press along with our comments.

Norway, Norway Post:  Beware Household Cat”

I give this warning two meows.

USA, NY Post:  “He’s A Basket Case”

That is no way to talk about Clint Eastwood.

Australia, Sydney Morning Herald:  “Banned For Gay Cure”

He must be one sad dude.

New Zealand, New Zealand Herald:  “Bit Fat Zero”

Romney’s speech results?

Turkey, Hurriyet:  “Aims For Sky”

And, if his name is Paul Ryan, he strikes out.

France, Connexion:  “Students Learn Ethics”

That assumes their teachers are ethical people.

Finland, Sanomat:  “What Can Be Done?

In most cases, duck!

 

First Prostitute?

Bettina Wulff is the wife of former German president Christian Wulff. He married her in his fifties but she was only 36 and quite a good looking woman. Naturally, anytime a beautiful young woman marries an old fart, rumor mills will begin twirling into operation. Within months stories appeared that she once worked as an “escort” or was engaged in you-know-what.

Her husband had to resign due to charges of misuse of money which only accelerated stories about his wife. After all, he is old, she is young and gorgeous, add one plus one and the only conclusion is that he needed money to keep her being married to him.

I have no idea as to whether she was or is or never was. But, it becomes tiresome having such stories and rumors spread because an older man marries a younger beautiful woman. This is written by an 82 year old man who never ceases gazing fondly at  gorgeous women.  And, I don’t have to spend a penny!

By the way how come no one writes stories about the prostitutes in Congress who daily sell their souls?

The Exceptional America No Longer NO. 1!

Once upon a time in America we sent s;pace ships hurtling through the skies to land on other planets in the sky. Once upon a time in America we built giant bridges and tunnels and highways and fast railroads, but that was then and today we have Tea Party leaders who shout to the world, “America is an exceptional nation, there is none like us, we are Number 1 in the world.” A few years ago Republican Governor Christie of New Jersey vetoed building a new tunnel under the Hudson River. Yes, he also shouted, “America is Number 1, we are an Exceptional nation!”

China just launched a space ship with a female and two males in it. Most probably in the years to come China will send humans to other planets. But, damn it, we lack money for such ventures, after all, our wealthy folk need more money.

I finally figured out what Republicans mean when they denounce LIBERALS  for failing to believe in American “EXCEPTIONALISM.”

1. We are Number ONE in obesity.

2.  We are Number ONE in a health care system that does not protect those lacking money.

3.We  are Number ONE in not building high speed trains or new tunnels and bridges.

4. We are Number ONE in having one third of students not complete high school.

Yes, we ARE AN EXCEPTIONAL NATION!

Making Monkeys New GOP Goal?

A  national primate center at Oregon University has successfully genetically modified monkeys by fusing cells of up to six embryos. There have been previous efforts to create “knock-off  mice” which enables scientist to work with life forms lacking certain genes. This enables new ventures into discovering how to cure diseases.

We suggest that scientists proceed to even further new ventures such as modifying genes of several Republican leaders in order to create a Republican who understands life in the 21st century. We suggest the genes of Theodore Roosevelt, Wendell Wilkie, Thomas Dewey, Dwight Eisenhower and even the tough minded and ruthless  Richard Nixon. For a slight touch of rhetoric there might be the genes of Ronald Reagan.

Think of how such a candidate would make Barack Obama come across as a monkey!!

Perfect Republican Candidate

Our Republican friends are struggling to identify someone who could be their nominee for president of the United States of America. In the spirit of fair play and sorrow for the plight of our dear Republican friends(not that I’d marry one of them), we present requirements for the Perfect Republican Candidate:

1.  Must be born in the USA and has proof of birth.

2.  Must have been a member of the Boy or Girl Scouts and lacks charges against them of sexually molesting any child.

3.  Must know the location of England and China, and, of course, Israel since we need votes.

4.  Must know who Paul Revere warned, the age when one votes, the names of at least three Cabinet Departments, and be aware, at least, that America withdrew its Ambassador and Embassy officials from Iran in 1980

5. Must never ever say any derogatory comment about anyone who earned over $1 million last year.

6. Understands those without jobs in this country are simply lazy.

7.  Must have been married to the same person at least ten years. After that, some margin exists for having a divorce.

8.  Must believe in Jesus Christ as Our Savior even if Jewish.

9. Must be able to recite the 1st Commandment of the Republican Party with eyes closed: “We Will Never Vote For  A Tax Increase.”

10. Must never ever claim to have read two history books –in one year.

11. Must possess at least two  million dollars. Inherited money is OK.

12. Must oppose any form of abortion.

13. Must not only oppose gun control but hunt at least once per month.

14. On penalty of death, must never ever say a kind word about Barack Obama.

15.  Must promise if elected to go to the border with Mexico and wave as illegal immigrants are sent back home.

16. Must have a lot of hair on head.

17.  Must promise if elected to read the Sunday comics to children right after they get home from church.

18.  Must provide proof from at least 100 years that no member of the family ever voted for a Democrat.

19. Must promise to have Muslim children in schools sit in the front of the classroom so they can always be observed.

20. Must promise to support torture of any Muslim caught doing anything.

VOTE FOR ME!!

After listening to the collection of rather interesting men and women who seek the  Republican nomination for president I am left with the only option of throwing my name into the ring.  Let me  list qualifications that would attract the American people.

 

1.  I know the location of Afghanistan and Iraq on a map of the world.

2.  I put one shoe on at a time.

3.  I am a job creator. I wish to take money from the wealthy and redistribute the money to unemployed people and have them rebuild our infrastructure. That would certainly create jobs.

4.  I am dead set against taxes unless they are on the wealthy so put me down as an anti-tax man.

5.  I believe in God. Of course, the  God I believe in is in the next universe.

6. I am against abortion unless the baby is a Republican, then it is a crap shoot as to whether the child lives.

7. I support the Israel which seeks compromise and peace with Arab people.

8. I  believe terrorists should be sent directly to jail without worrying about a trial and let’s begin with the terrorists on Fox News!

9. When saluting the flag I place my hand over my butt in order to show respect for the assholes in Congress.

10. I stand opposed to immigrants entering our fair land. We must begin to return immigrants to their homeland. Of course, we have a minor problem in rounding up 300,000,000 and sending them back home. But, fair is fair, if one immigrant is sent home so should all immigrants!