Category Archives: Satire

Only In Oklahoma!

During the past thirty years we Americans have witnessed the emergence of people who inhabit the southern climes of our nation who apparently view the world through a different lens than that of normal humans on this planet. In a UNANIMOUS decision of the Oklahoma State Criminal Appeals Court, justices ruled that teen age girl who was drunk was NOT raped when the boy had oral sex with her. This  girl was with a boy who got her completely drunk and her alcohol level was .34.

The boy claimed that she had consented to sex while dead drunk and the justices agreed that since she had consented, regardless of being unconscious, the it did not fall under the category of rape. Ah, to be in Oklahoma, where the winds sweep across its plains and boys rape girls who are unconscious and dead drunk!

Carly And Ted

Ted Cruz is having some problems attracting women to his side. Why this is so is among the mysteries of this presidential campaign. Perhaps, just perhaps, it might stem from opposing equal pay for women, opposing child care, opposing, maternity leave or for mocking those who support such anti-female laws. In an effort to reach out to women, Ted has decided that when he  runs for president this fall, his running mate will be Carly Fiorina. You know, the woman who was fired by Hewlett Packard because she ran the company into debt.

Anyway, Carly has written a song which shows her fighting spirit for all Americans.

There once was a gal named Carly

Who liberals, she made sorry,

She was fiery and tough

One speech of hers was enough

So cast your ballot for nonsense

For publicly she displays ignorance

Which Is always her best response.

No Guns For Mentally Disabled?

There is a movement even among some in the NRA to deny the right for a gun to those with records of mental disability. Frankly, I believe this is now confirmation the NRA has been captured by liberals seeking to over turn the US Constitution. If people are to be denied their 2nd Amendment right, how about?

1. Those who want to have America go to war. If they really want a war they must volunteer to fight if they want the right to have a gun.

2. Any cop  who can’t hit a standing target by a shot to the leg. No gun!

3. Any and all convicted for at  least one for a  drug offense. No gun!

4. Hillary Clinton because she wants to take OUR guns from us!

5. Anyone who confesses they will vote for Donald Trump since this is clear evidence of a mental disability.

6. Bernie Sanders, since he does not know how to shoot straight on the issue of guns for all.

7. John Kasich since he is so busy balancing budgets he has no time for gun practice out on the range.

Hillary Vs Donald

Each passing primary day makes clearer and clearer that Hillary Clinton will be facing one another this fall. So, how should Hillary handle the raving mouth?

1.Refust to take his bait and argue over personalities.

2. If he says, Benghazi, respond with the story of 240 US Marines killed by Muslim terrorists in Lebanon when Reagan was president and pose to Donald: “Mr.Trump, do you believe we need a committee to indict the dead president. After all, it happened on his watch?

3. Play ads which simply replay his comments about women.

4. Never, ever, raise your voice when with him. Let him do the shouting.

5. Discuss the millions of jobs created by exports.

6. Every so often just stare with contempt when you gaze at him.

7. Demand that he specify exactly which jobs are coming back from China.

8. Repeatedly note the fact that more Hispanics leave America than enter it.

9. Demand that he outline the specifics of his Middle East foreign policy.

Life In Chicagoland

For those of us who live in Chicago or within proximity to the city, it is a good news day when only one person is shot to death. Since the beginning of the year over 150 people have been shot to death. The other day –yes in one day– TEN people were shot and two of them died. Let’s be frank, these shootings are in black and Hispanic neighborhoods and the shooters and victims are from these two groups. In plain English, as long as though those being shot are black or Hispanic, the rest of Illinois does not keep a damn. So, what has to be done?

1. Much as I dread what I am writing, we need the National Guard to take over a few neighborhoods and just shut them down for five months.

2. It is time to recognize that hiring black or Hispanic policemen will not in itself result in lower crime. Most within a few months adapt the attitude that  a cop is a cop and a cop does what other cops do.

3. There is need for a new set of cops. How about training and hiring cops from areas of high crime? At least they know who are the bad guys.

At least give people in neighborhoods with high crime a five month vacation in a peaceful Chicago.

So, Where Do I Piss?

I do understand that in an era in which student debt has reached astronomical heights and people have a difficult time getting a good job,  for some strange reason only a few dedicated Americans have their eyes focused on the real issue that confronts America–where do people piss–and shit? Seriously, imagine if no one had an opportunity each day to piss and shit, how we would have one angry and disgruntled society.

In a South Carolina high school a transgender student who has been peeing in the boy’s toilet was informed that he had to use the girl’s restroom or that of the school nurse. Well, this young man  or woman or whoever returned to the boy’s restroom and now is on suspension. I assume this student has now learned the number one rule of school–behave stupidly if a teacher asks you to. And, remember that for many Americans the real issue is–pissing and shitting.

No More Death To Israel

President Rouhani of Iran has decided to remove the slogan–Death To Israel–from missiles in the Iranian armed forces. How about some new slogans on missiles?

1. Ted Cruz–Whee, I am carpet bombing YOU!

2. Bernie Sanders: –It cost $15 million which should be used to pay off student loans!

3. Hedge Fund managers: Come back and I can invest you and make gobs of money.

4. Donald Trump–head for the border with Mexico and blast the rapists!

5. NRA– I want to make certain every American has his own missile at home to take out intruders!

6. John Kasich: Don’t leave, I have to balance the budget.

7. Ben Carson– I wonder what you do?

8. Mike Huckabee– I will say a prayer to help you on your way serving God.

9. Rand Paul–Don’t go, don’t explode, just stay out of trouble.

10.Bibi Netanyahu– go anywhere but my West Bank.

How About A Palestine?

It has now become part of the Republican mantra that anyone seeking the presidency must get on his knees, lick the boots of Sheldon Adelson and promise never,k ever to mention the word, Palestine. Israel Prime Minister inhabits his own special area of the Twilight zone where there is a nation called, Israel, which covers the entire planet and all who are Jews own every part of the planet. For Bibi Netanyahu under no condition can anyone who claims to be a friend of Israel support the idea of an independent Palestine.

Recent polls in Palestine reveal that over 67% of young people believe that stabbing an Israel Jew is in accordance with the Koran. Who are these young people? They have virtually no prospect for  decent job. They must go through one check point after another to get anywhere. They can be arrested for whatever the Israel police claims is evidence of “terrorism.” Yes, many want to commit some form of violence. That is the norm for people without hope. If Israel wants to end stabbing the first step is to agree on the establishment of an independent state of Palestine.

The details of how to reach such an agreement will take time. But, step one must be an official statement from the Israel government that it accepts this concept.

Ted & John Or John & Ted

The Gold Dust twins have decided to form an alliance in order to get rid of the big bad wolf that is always knocking at their door. From now on their fighting agenda will be:

We can balance the  budget of Mexico so Hispanics won’t leave that country.

There is plenty of room in Flint, Michigan for any Hispanic who is thirsty.

Ted now agrees that John loves Jesus as much as he does.

They intend to show America that when Ted and John come together, ISIS will be heading for Iran or any place with their are no Christians.

If Donald can hump his daughter then so can Ted and John.

Ted and John can run faster than the Trump who has sort of  gotten plump.

Ted and John intend to challenge Donald to a praying match as to who can first make contact with the Big Guy up in the sky unless the Big Guy has come to Earth and has the name of Donald Trump.

If John and Ted are the best alternatives to Donald Trump then I want Dick Cheney!

The New Donald Arrives!

During the past few weeks, Donald Trump has proclaimed that he is in the process of “evolving” After exploring the inside of his mind, we are abel to explain this evolutionary development.

1. From now on the “bimbo”thing will be replaced with care and concern for all broads.

2. No, Donald will not be building a Great Wall on our southern border, more in the nature of a Great Picket Fence.

3. No,Donald will not be bringing jobs back from China, instead he will be bringing back many,many smart Chinese guys to jump start our economy.

4. No, Donald will no longer be insulting Ted Cruz, instead he will place Ted Cruz in charge of his hotels in Canada.

5. From now on each and every American will have the same health care plan as does Donald.

6. From now on Donald will become a practicing Muslim, Jew, and Christian.

7. NO, Donald will not express  desire to bang his daughter, but  he might date her.

8. No,Donald will not be carpet bombing ISIS, more in the nature of laying down carpets in Syria.

9.Each and every American will get a free course at Trump University.

So, behold the new Donald Trump!