In light of struggles with Congress over writing an immigration bill, your correspondent has taken on the onerous task of writing one that will satisfy all concerned parties.
First, any Hispanic seeking immigration into the United States will be compelled to alter their names. An Irish, German, Jewish, Italian name will provide evidence of their dedication to hard work and desire to become integrated within American society.
Secondly, Any immigrant who can pole vault over the height of twenty feet will be given automatic entry status although required to join the American 2008 Olympic Team. As evidence of this ability, the said applicant will be asked to pole vault over fences established along the Texas border with Mexico.
Thirdly, Any Hispanic Catholic immigrant who conversts to Judaism will be provided a passport from Israel as well as the address of an Orthodox Rabbi in Brooklyn who will serve as a sponsor. The said applicant can offer proof that he or she is gainfully employed in the diamond industry.
Fourthly, Any Hispanic who can trace his or her ancestry in the western hemisphere back to a time when the United States did not exist will be allowed to secure the job of someone whose ancestry only dates back to the nineteenth century. The person replaced will be deported to their country of origin — origin as of the nineteenth century, that is. This proviso is termed “switcheroo to protect ancient ancestors from newcomers.”
Fifth, Since there is a Chinese legend of a Chinese expedition to what is now called Mexico (the legend of Fusang) all Hispanic immigrants will have the choice of being classified as of Asian background and allowed in via the Angel Island point of entry.
Sixth, Since there is great concern over people speaking Spanish while residing in America all Jewish buildings in which Hebrew is the language of prayer will be compelled to only pray in English. Any Jewish person speaking Hebrew will be deported under provisions of the “keeping English our language” Act. This section of the immigration bill also forbids any government group from hiring people who speak a language other than English. This might cause a few problems for our military, but maintaining racial/linguistic purity takes precedence over things like terrorism.
Seven, Evidence has been uncovered that President Bush did speak several words in Spanish while giving speeches. The Senate will be asked to consider impeachment proceedings against the president for his effort to undermine the purity of our language.
Eight, Any employer prior to hiring an individual must provide evidence the person’s ancestry was traced back to at least the year 1789 in order to ensure there is no trace of immigration in their background. This section of the law is known as “SS Purity Proviso” since it is adapted from SS procedures on applicants.
I hope my efforts can stimulate creative thinking on the part of those who wish to keep our nation free of the immigrant menace. i apologize for not writing these suggestions in the language of Comanche, Iroquois, etc… My family represents the newcomers.