Republicans Oppose Bailout Of Santa Claus

The Republican Party which has opposed any regulation of business as well as refusing to back down on tax cuts for the wealthy has found religion. It has decided to take a firm stance against the socialist minded Santa Claus who goes around the world distributing presents to the poor. Republicans fear giving presents to poor children without having their parents spend money only encourages a “get-handouts-from-government mentality within lower classes. If poor children desire presents, there is nothing to prevent them from begging on street corners or scouring the streets for coins. Governor Sarah Palin made clear her opposition to bailing out Santa Claus by blunting noting: “here in Alaska, the government gives everyone money from oil revenues, if other states want to distribute money, let them find some oil.”

Santa Claus has been seeking a government bailout for this year due to unexpected decline in the amount of money being given him and his elf workforce. Senator John McCain defended his opposition to a government bailout to socialism by noting it was the first step toward socialism, and Joe the Plumber was opposed to it. “When I was being tortured in Vietnam, I never saw any Santa Claus,” commented the former POW. “Santa was too busy distributing drugs to the hippies to worry about those of us who were fighting to defend America against atheistic militarist communism.”

Republican leaders insist any money given Santa Claus must be accompanied by a reduction in the size of the elf workforce and an end to such things as free coffee and cocoa breaks. Recently re-elected Senator Chambliss pointed out, “Toyota workers in Japan do not get free cocoa. If Santa would only cut down on his overhead, he would not need a bailout.” President Bush is expected to argue against a Santa Claus bailout on grounds Santa does not create wealth because he undermines department stores by giving away free toys.

There are rumors Santa Claus is really a secret communist since he goes around dressed in red.