Nobody Asked Me But,

Each week, we present our views about life on planet Earth without any attempt to prove what we say is valid. These are observations of a 77 year-old man on the human condition.

I have never figured out the miracle from Miracle Whip, have you? It is one of those products I will die without ever tasting.

The other day a man was arrested for tasting soup in a supermarket. The Deli man always allows me to have a taste of what I purchase. I wonder if there are security people wandering supermarkets ready to pounce on people like me who squeeze fruit. Thank
God the sqeeze police were not around when my mother was alive, she would spend every day in jail.

Ity is 6:30 p.m. I am in the fast food area of a mall and am the only one in sight except for those working here. Did an atomic bomb wipe out the human race?

Why does my umbrella always break when rain begins but never when it ends?

I was born into a generation in which boys did not wear caps as a form of protest against our fathers who always wore a hat. Today, all young boys wear hats. Who is responsible for that revolution?

I had the loveliest compliment the other day, someone called me an “Obama lover.”

Why aren’t there books and programs to help people gain weight?

I love wandering in office buildings and reading the names of companies and organizatons. What exactly does the TROG company do? Then, again, who cares.

I had my perennial nightmare the other evenng. In it I drive into Manhattan and every single parking space on the island is taken. I must then drive around for eternty.

As of this date, Governor David Patterson of New York has not informed the world of the name of the first girl he ever kissed or his first encounter with sex. I anxiously await his discussion of these two important events.

I think my dying last words will be, “have we won in Iraq?”

Sounds of police sirens in Europe arouse fear in me, sounds of police sirens in America arouse excitement and I want to follow them.

Residential streets that lie close to business districts are always devoid of people and the sound of silence permeates the air.

There are always people on the first warm day after winter who wear heavy jackets. They are weather doubters and play life safe. I am an inbetweener, enough to keep me warm, but not enough to make me feel hot.

Do you think future presidential candidates will have to take a pledge they will only sleep with spouses? My main interest in the Eliot Spitzer episode is when did this man ever find time to deal with governing the state?

There is a newstand in Clayton, Missouri which has newspapers and magazines from around the world. I spend hours in it experiencing a trip around the planet without leaving America.

I know that John McCain believes in truth, the flag, the American way of life, but does the man have any economic plans to get us out of the current financial mess other than cutting taxes?

Is is a coincidence that Cheney and McCain visited Iraq and on their departure the place exploded in violence? I guess both men would argue that militants are so frightened of their presence they must wait until these men leave before engaging in any violence.

i have never seen a security guard who engenders feelings of security within me.

If two people are sitting at a table with four chairs, the probability of them sitting directly opposite one another is small.

The only time I ever read People magazine is in a doctor’s office. I pick it up, glance at a few stories, sigh, and wonder why anyone cares about these uninteresting celebrities.

I continue purchasing a quart of chicken fried rice from the same place even though it really doesn’t taste good. My Depression phlosophy is cheap is better than taste.

If Law and Order and its variations were removed from TV, what would people be left to watch?

Hlllary Clinton will go down in history as the Ralph Nader of 2008.