What’s the Deal with Ohio?

I know I’m back in the midwest when a huge sign saying “Jesus Saves” hangs over a sign advertising Caldwell Bank.

The three great sights of America are: entering New York City harbor in a ship and seeing the Lady with her arm outstretched, seeing the Rockies loom in the distant mist, and watching the sun come up over San Francisco as you stand on a hill gazing out to the Pacific.

The most obese people in America reside in Marshall, Illinois. I went into Jerry’s Restaurant and noticed that 13 of sixteen people were obese. I went to fill up my car and the lady in charge was hugely overweight. Then a woman drove up and she was overweight. Either they have fantastic cooks in Marshall or they certainly don’t get into any exercise.

Could someone explain to me why there is no sign on Highway 80 as you enter Ohio that indicates how to go south to Columbus? All signs say Highway 80 west or Highway 80 North, but none that says south. In fact, there is not a single sign indicating a southerly direction. Is there a law in Ohio against the word “south?” And, by the way, the sign that says “Highway 70 is 1 mile away” is incorrect, it is five miles away.

The best music on radio is XM Radio’s channel 15 which plays fantastic folk music. I listened to it all the way from New York City to St. Louis.

Why is gas in Illinois forty cents more expensive than gas in Missouri?

America, we had a good week. Rudy G. didn’t take credit for saving us from some disaster.

The St. Louis Post Dispatch used to be among America’s great newspapers. It sure ain’t these days.

I went into a restaurant on Highway 70 that advertised “Home Cooking.” I didn’t see any little old lady in the back cooking up a batch of pancakes. All I saw was a tired man with tattoos slouched over the oven. Could someone explain to me how “home cooking” is done in chain restaurants?

Fred Thompson portrayed a cliche-speaking rightwing DA on Law & Order whose grasp of the US Constitution suggests he missed some classes in law school. He tries hard to come across as a Reagan. At least Ron believed in something, even if it was kooky and had no concern for those who were poor.

Could someone explain to me why a missile system in required in eastern Europe? Bush claims it is not aimed at Russia. OK, so whose missiles are we supposed to knock down– the non-existant Iranian missiles? On the other hand, we might consider the possibility that Albania or Bulgaria are secretly building missiles.

Indianapolis has the clearest signs explaining how a stranger can get through its area. Don’t get me started on Ohio!

Is Donald Rumsfeld still alive? We of The Impudent Observer are initiating a “Bring Back Donald Rumsfeld” campaign to coincide with the publication of our new book, Don Rumsfeld & Dick Cheney In Hell. It will be released at the end of this month.