Tag Archives: anna chapman

Spies Come In From Cold With New Names

The ongoing saga of the ten Russian spies continues now that they have returned home to their beloved homeland. the Russian spies who changed their names from Boris and Svetlana to Bob and Susan must now undergo another transformation from their American names to ones which would fit into Russian society. After all, going around calling oneself, Juan or Maria. in the middle of Siberia will most probably reveal you are no Siberian. Of course, not only must they change names, but also occupations. Fortunately, modern Russia contains many McDonald’s and Kentucky Fried Chicken franchises which would allow Anna Chapman to switch from showing off her neat body at cocktail parties to showing off her English slang to visiting tourists from America or Europe who chance to seek a Big Mac.

I admit concern for the well being of these heroic Russian heroes, they will go down in the history of spy annals as the ones who brought back to their homeland stories of conversations at parties, recipes stolen from neighbors, and reportedly, the secret recipe for making the new Papa John Pizza! An unconfirmed report from our special correspondent in Moscow suggests Anna Chapman was able to worm her way into the good graces of a bus driver who handles a 2nd Avenue bus in Manhattan. This enabled her to obtain not only the bus schedule but the time log of bus drivers on 2nd Avenue. First, Second Avenue, then 42nd Street, and finally, Park Avenue!!

We can guarantee readers there is no validity to stories about Anna Chapman being seen with George Bush in a bar. This story stems from confusion and what she meant to say is that she was hiding behind a bush when the Bush car drove by.

Report From Secret Diary Of Anna Chapman

This intrepid reporter has been able to uncover the secret diary of Russian spy Anna Champman which contains messages she sent to Russian security officials regarding her activities in the United Kingdom and the United States.

March 5, 2005: “I had a drink of vodka with noted an important English lord and we discussed his recent exploits hunting the hounds. I am pleased to report that English lords continue their parasitic efforts to kill hounds.”

April 1, 2006: “I had lunch with Mrs. Brown whose real name is Sarah Moskowitz. She confessed to me that the name change occurred due to continued discrimination against Jews in English high society. This should enable our government to make known to international Jewish bankers that Russia is among the most friendly places for Jews.”

November 7, 2007: “I was at the home of a Lord Faunterloy and while he stepped out of the room, I took pictures of him as a small boy dressed in a silly outfit. These photos can be used to embarrass this lord and make him reveal the location of his famous wine bottles.”

March 12, 2008: “I was at the home of Susan Smith and while she stepped out of the kitchen, I quickly took possession of her recipes for apple and blueberry pie. I believe with these recipes Russia can enter the pie making industry and become dominant among pie makers in the world.”

September 19, 2008: “I was asked to baby sit for the Spector family while they went to the movies. I entered the study of Mr. Spector and appropriated five baseball cards which date from the 1930s. The cards will enable Russia to assume leadership in the sale of old baseball cards.”

February 17, 2009: “I attended a party given at the Vanderbilt estate and was able to have a glass of wine at a table at which the famous movie actor Tom Cruise was seated. We discussed the weather and he told me that in the coming months his new picture will be released. He also told me that, now deceased, actor Paul Newman really was not the inventor of the dressing that is now sold with his name. It originally was developed by a Russian named Vladmir Putin.”

In the coming months I will be able to supply a complete list of debutantes who will attend the debutant ball in October of this year. The list includes their height and weight.