Tag Archives: beck

RIGHT JOBS FOR SOME PEOPLE

Following are jobs that would be perfect for the person involved.

DICK CHENEY Shoveling coal in Hell.

BARACK OBAMA Basketball coach at UCLA.

DIMITRY MEDVEDEV President of Andorra.

HAMMAS LEADER Accountant at Goldman Sachs

SARAH PALIN Greeter at Wal-Mart.

GORDON BROWN Prime Minister of England BEFORE Tony Blair.

GLENN BECK Use car salesman.

WIKIPEDIA WRITER Selling encyclopedias.

OWNER MEXICAN RESTAURANT Selling cold drinks.

EXPRESSIONS I NEVER WISH TO HEAR AGAIN

FOLLOWING ARE EXPRESSIONS I HOPE NEVER TO HEAR AGAIN

“Free enterprise means the Yankees have a constitutional right to purchase a pennant.’

“Hell, if my mother lies, I tell her. A lie is a lie, no matter who said it. Take it from me who has never lied.”

“So, I buy $6000 handbags when 12 million are unemployed. It’s important for a First Lady to look chic.”

“If you have a few billion dollars, women tits are yours for the grabbing.”

“Tony Blair got me into this mess, Afghanistan, Iraq, recession. So why blame me, I’m just the British fall guy of the year.” Whimper, whimper.

“So, we have a $40 million scoreboard. Son, this is Texas! Everything is bigger in Texas! Even the jerks!”

“I talked in some country out in Asia and there were some brown skinned men in the audience listening to me. I know it wasn’t OZ or Alaska, but for the life of me, I have no idea where I was.”

“It’s not a smear to call Obama a Nazi Socialist Communist who was born in Africa to a gorilla couple. It’s the ratings. Heck, if I got better ratings calling him a democratic humanitarian, I’d call him that.”

“I wonder if my mum, the Queen, will ever die. Oh well, Prince Charles, forever.”

“Why didn’t I call myself Hannah California. It’s much more chic than Montana.”

HEADLINES FROM THE WORLD PRESS

Each day we offer a sample of headlines that appeared in the world press along with our comments.

Sweden, The Local: “Trucker Masturbates While Driving”
He is the first man to come while driving 80 miles per hour.

Australia, Brisbane Times; “How Many People Have You Slept With”
Sleeping is one thing, making out if another.

Canada, Toronto Star: “Gadhafi Ridicules The UN”
Wow, what praise for the UN!

South Korea, South Korea Herald: “Police Probe Draft Dodging”
I would be happier if they probed money dodging with the savings of people.

UAE, Khaleej Times; “Scientists Make Paralyzed Rats Run”
Unfortunately, the Wall Street rats were never paralyzed by their graft and stealing.

Indonesia, Jakarta Post: “Birth Defect No One Talks About”
The greatest birth defect in America is an inability to empathize with poverty and oppression of the poor.

Hungary, Budapest Times: ‘War Over Words”
Just drop into a session of Congress in order to observe a war of words which is much ado about nothing.

South Africa, Mail & Guardian: “Sex, Lies, Funny Money”
I can take the sex and lies, but when they take away our money, then I get angry.

UK, The Independent: “Why Women Need Drink Before Sex”
Imagine having sex with Rush Limbaugh or Glenn Beck– a gallon might do it.

BLAME IT ON THE OBAMA MAN

The ranters and haters in America who believe Barack Obama is responsible for any and all problems would undoubtedly agree with the following:

BLAME THE OBAMA MAN,

For fights on buses when a white boy is hit by a black boy. This never happened before Obama became president.

People are losing their jobs. This all began in January when he got elected.

No white male was in the Tennis Finals.

George Bush has kept his mouth shut.

People over sixty are suddenly getting white hair.

For taking a year to repair Highway 40 in St. Louis.

Dick Cheney has a lesbian daughter.

US newspaper readership is declining.

Glenn Beck had to be rushed to surgery for brain replacement.

Many parts of the Midwest had a cool summer.

UNLIKELY JOBS FOR PEOPLE

Following are unlikely jobs for people in high places.

SARAH PALIN: Governor of New York.

TEA PARTY ACTIVIST: Counselor to Homeless who need health care.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU: Human Rights Lawyer in Cairo.

JACOB ZUMA: Director of HIV program in his South Africa.

BILL CLINTON: A comic’s straight man.

GLENN BECK: Strawberry picker in fields of California.

MANNY RAMIREZ: Little league coach.

NANCY PELOSI: Secretary to Sarah Palin.

ARNE DUNCAN: ETS Tester testing success of Cabinet Members.

NEWT GINGRICH: Marriage counselor.