Tag Archives: god

God Is On Side Of Americans Against Oil Spills

I have just returned from a special mission to Heaven where I implored our Heavenly Father to intervene on the side of we God loving Americans and deal with the recent oil spill. I was sent by the Louisiana State Legislature which believes God should halt His work in the universe and focus on important life issues –oil spills. As the Resolution put it:
In times of great distress and need, we, the people of this land, have always turned to private, public, and corporate prayer. A Statewide Day of Prayer provides each os us with a powerful opportunity to humble ourselves before our Almighty God. the citizens of Louisiana are urged to pray for a solution to this crisis, each according to his or her own faith, to pray for God’s continued guidance and protection, and to join in the observance of prayer, seeking God’s blessings upon both state and nation”

Alaska born nutcase, Sarah Palin, added in with a twitter: “Gulf disaster needs divine intervention as man’s efforts have been futile.”

I regret to inform Sarah and the people of Louisiana that after meeting with God, Himself, I was informed to get the hell out of Heaven and quit pestering busy intelligent life forms with the inane concerns of some jerks on a small planet located somewhere in this universe! Do you humans actually think God has the time of day to worry about your needs to ruin the planet with nonstop oil driven machines? If humans want to impress the Old Man in the sky, get off your butts, quit destroying your planet and focus on ways to transport yourselves and goods other than relying on oil.

My Prayer to God

Oh Lord, spend your time dealing with real issues and ignore these humans!

Whom Does God Favor In UK Election?

It is unfortunate that we humans do not have a telephone hookup to Heaven in order to check with God concerning His(or Hers) preference in elections down on Earth. Of course, most American and British conservatives are convinced that God’s preference is for those who have rather than for those who have not. Prime Minister Gordon Brown running for re-election, has decided after discussing the issue with God that he is now allowed to make clear the God preference in the upcoming Parliament election. He told his opponent, David Cameron, “how can it be a priority to give people who already have so much? It’s not God helps people who help themselves, it’s God helps people whom he has already helped. That’s their(Conservative) motto.”

I contacted my local Tea Party section and was told it is talk like Brown’s comment which foster SOCIALISM and result in national decline. After all, the western world knows it was thanks to efforts of bankers, hedge fund manager, and anyone working in the financial area that we avoided a complete collapse of our economies. I believe God blesses the rich, if you don’t believe me just contact the American Tea Party.

If God’s On Your Side, You Must Be Right!

According to that eminent authority on what God believes, Rabbi Sam White, the Lord took time out from dealing with issues in the Universe in order to make certain that Ramat Shlomo was Jewish. “”God gave us the land of Israel.” Of course, the land until 1967 was under the control of Jordan, but, unfortunately for Arabs, God was never on their side, he was for the people of Israel and He wanted them to have all the land from the Jordan River to the Mediterranean. If you doubt that, go to the nearest telephone booth and give God a call. British reporter, Rupert Cornwell spoke to inhabitants of the area and inquired if they were willing to compromise on land issues in order to secure peace with Palestinians. Nechani Rabinovich, a young mother with her baby, summed up the prevailing view among fellow Jews in the area by noting, “I don’t think this will bring peace, and I don’t think we have a partner.” Actually, she made quite clear even if a “partner” did emerge, “This is our land. God gave it to us.”

I must admit confusion because for decades my attempts to communicate with God have never proven successful. I try all hours of the night and day and can not even receive a busy signal, all that happens is silence. I assume it is the same silence that Jews in Auschwitz experienced, but, then again, they were seeking justice and explanations concerning horror. The jews of Israel seek a more mundane object — an inexpensive house. I assume God co-signs for each new house.

NOBODY ASKED ME BUT

Nobody Asked Me But,

I don’t doubt for a moment aliens have visited planet Earth. Being intelligent life forms they did what any intelligent life form would do after encountering humans, get the hell out of this planet!

One day I will get the guts to say, “have a bad one.”

Labor Day will shortly be upon us. I doubt if ten percent of those under 30 have any comprehension why the holiday emerged.

I think sometimes Obama must experience the loneliness of the long distance runner.

During the initial twenty years of my life Democrats were president. In 1952, Eisenhower was elected. We greeted his election calmly, considered him a decent man, the sky did not fall, and life went on.

I wait expectantly for the introduction of Monica Lewinsky into the health care debate. Someone will charge she received medical treatment after she treated Bill Clinton’s body part.

If I was 23, I’d get in my car and head west. Wherever I stopped would be my destination.

I never complain about having to wait to see my doctor. I am 79 and alive, what else is important– I have a cold?

Modern mom. Looking at text messages instead of the kid.

I often see the sign, “In God We Trust.” I think it should read, “Does God Trust Us With This Planet?”

Clunkers for gas efficient cars makes sense. What exactly is the argument about?

Two years in jail for shooting oneself is ridiculous. I believe the NRA will fight for legislation which gives Americans the right to shoot themselves.

Colleges have opening convocations, concluding graduations. But, no one gives a damn what happens inbetween.

I assume when I get to heaven, God will explain to me the connection between health care and Nazis. Of course, the Devil is the one enjoying the entire craziness.

Where Does God Stand On Current Issues?

It is difficult these days tuning into the media without encountering yelling individuals who claim to speak for God and are more than happy to inform the world about God’s views on a variety of issues confronting humanity. For example, members of the extremist Westboro Baptist Church who are openly anti-gay recently protested in front of Jewish institutions in New York with signs that read, “God Hates Jews” and “God Hates Obama.” Several Jewish groups urged members to politely walk past the signs and pickets of the Westboro Church people and pretend they do not exist. After all, argue these individuals, even kooks have the right of free speech.

However, no one has yet answered the question as to where does God stand on issues like health care. If I take Glenn Beck or Lou Dobbs as authorities on the God view, the old man up in the sky is mighty angry at that black man in the White House who wants to restore Nazi death camps and kill the unborn. Sometimes, I get confused. If Obama wants to institute Nazism in America how come he gets the high percentage of Jewish voters?

I decided in the spirit of fair play to make direct contact with God. First, let’s clear things up, He is not in the sky but on the planet of Xul. He told me after listening to the inarticulate rambling voices of people shouting hate toward blacks, doctors, congressmen, and praise for health insurance firms, He thought He might delay a return trip to planet Earth. According to the Old Man, planet Earth is the only one He has encountered where people want to protect the powerful and wealthy and denounce the poor. “For God’s sake, He told me, why the Hell do you think I sent my Son to Earth, to take care of wealthy insurance executives!!”

In the spirit of respect for individuals like Rush, Bill, Lou, Ann, Glenn and the others voices of hate, I will not reveal the exact words of the Old Man about them.

God Created America -That’s Why We Have Guns In Church

As a child growing up in the slums of the Bronx, New York, I was told that God had created the Bronx as his first official act of being a God and then got around to the rest of the world. It wasn’t until the second week the Lord realized he had forgotten Texas in his creation. The state of Texas has appointed a board to revise its history curriculum and among the bright people in this group is a man known as David Barton, who heads a Christian heritage group called WallBuilders. According to the Barton version of American history, the Constitution was written with God in mind and that “government exists primarily to protect God-given rights to every individual.” He wants all children, Christian, Muslim, Jewish or what have you, to become aware of the “motivational role” played by the Bible and Christianity in creating America.

As always in such claims about God in the founding of America, there is an element of accuracy. The Puritans certainly were motivated by their Christian beliefs, but those who wrote the Constitution shared an anti-established Church view of the world. Hamilton, Madison, Washington, Franklin, etc.. were not noted for pushing religion and took care to ensure the Constitution did NOT allow creation of an established religion. It is always amusing that individuals like Ronald Reagan who preached God and the Bible rarely went inside a church.

The influence of religion should be taught in any American history course. However, that includes teaching children the Founding Fathers disliked established churches, did not wish religion to control our lives and believed individuals had the right to think as they so desired in terms of God and religion. The word “God” rarely is noted in documents related to the establishment of the Constitution.

Palin Has God On Her Side-Do You, Barack?

Most politicians have to spend enormous amounts of money getting out the vote, but Governor Sarah Palin is fortunate because all she has to do is lift her eyes away from gazing across the Bering Straits to Russia and simply gaze upward to get the word from God how he will assist her to gain victory. The Alaska governor refused to disclose if she would run for president in 2012, but, “you know, I have -faith is a very big part of my life. and putting my life in my creator’s hands-this is what i always do.” She admitted if God opened a door, she would be compelled to walk through it and become president because one cannot deny God what he wants. “Even if it’s cracked up a little bit, maybe I’ll plough right on through that and maybe prematurely plough through it, but don’t let me miss an open door.”

It is reassuring to know that God is keeping tabs on what happens in the United States of America and He/She will take care of us by sending Sarah Palin to save we ignorant masses. Just think, Sarah Palin is the only political leader God has ever personally selected to lead a nation. Wow!

Is Allah OK Or Should It Be Tuhan?

A Catholic weekly newspaper in Malaysia has been told to cease using the word “Allah” in its Malay language section or it wants to get a renewal of its license to publish. A senior official in the secruity Minister says the word God as “Allah” is only allowed to be used by Muslims and Christians can not use that word without offending those of the Muslim faith. “Christians cannot use the word Allah. It is only applicable to Muslims. Allah is only for the Muslim god. This is a design to confuse the Muslim people.”

Although the nation’s constitution promises freedom of religion, many religious minorities complain about denial of their right to practice their religious beliefs. They have been denied the right to construct churches and Hindus have complained about demolition of temples by government authorities. Rev. Lawrence
Andrew, editor of the Herald, said the use of the word Allah was not intended to offend Muslims. “We follow the Bible. the Malay language Bible uses Allah for God and Tuhan for Lord. In our prayer and in church during Malay mass, we use the word Allah.” Government officials argue the word “Allah” is not used in English prayers so why should it be used in Malay?

At some point, Muslim religious authorities should cease trying to tell people in other religions how to pray or what to say during their prayers. To make such determinations should rest with God or Allah or the Supreme Being, but never with we mere mortals.