Following is my investigative report on what Bill and Hillary talk about at 3:00 am. when the phone rings.
H: Honey, don’t worry, I’ll take the 3:00 am. call. If I don’t the jackals will again complain I am lying. Oh, Bill, it’s just some woman wanting someone named Harry.
B: You know, I am sick and tired of hearing Barack, Barack all the time. He’s nothing but a smooth talking phony if you ask me. Keep pounding at him, the man has a glass jaw.
H: Did you read what that freaking New York Times editorial said about me using Karl Rove tactics to get at Barack? They claim all I do is wave the flag.
B: They’e nothing but a bunch of New York pretend intellectuals who think they know more about politics than me.
H: You mean, you and me, don’t you?
B: Of course, we’re from the midwest of this nation not like those New York hypocrites who don’t know squat about winning elections in America. Look at that Spitzer character getting caught with his pants down!
H: Honey, I don’t think we ought to go down that road.Got any ideas for new slogan we can use in Indiana?
B: How about: “If you want sunny weather and prosperity, vote for Hillary, if you want terrible weather, vote for Barack, friend of radical weathermen,”
H: Not bad for 3:00 a.m. I want to hit that little squirt in the balls. We have to pound away at his lack of patriotism, in fact, from now on I’ll be wearing a huge pin on my blouse to differentiate myself from the little creep on the patriotism issue.
B: Too bad, he wasn’t old enough to fight in Vietnam, we could realy get him on that one.
H: Honey, neither did you. I’ve been trying to figure a way to get more of the Pastor Wright stuff into my speeches. I need a new angle on that one, something fresh.
B: You have to connect the dots between Pastor Wright and the creep’s radical friends and his ties to that real estate character.
H: Well, we also have some lobyists friends.
B: Hill, you don’t get the point, never defend, always attack. Pound away, never stop saying things that put the little squirt on the defensive. It worked for Bush, it will work for you.
H: I agree, but sometimes I’m forced to pretend that I’m a loyal Democrat. You know, it gets me furious that Bill Richardson stabbed me in the back. It’s OK for our enemies to smear us and do us dirty. Just think about it, without the Clintons, where would the Democratic Party be!
B: Fucking ingrates, all of them. We sacrificed everything for the Democratic Party, and look how they treated you. You were entitled to be the candidate this year, but along comes this little prick and pretends he is some sort of Messiah. And, he complains we are the ones creating problems.
H: After I become president, there are a lot of scores that will be settled. That’s for sure.
B: What about this stuff that Barack should be your VP candidate?
H: We had one Al Gore experience, we don’t need another starry eyed character trying to hog the limelight. Gore the ingrate.
B: Friend of the fishes and birds. Global warming sure as heck won’t play in Des Moines. Its jobs that people are worried about, not saving some damn squirrel.
H: Bill, I have to offer the VP to him. If not, I’m in deep trouble.
B: I’ll save one thing about you, hon, I loved the way you blasted NAFTA.
H: Well, it was your idea, but, who remembers back that far. Now, I’m the enemy of NAFTA. Isn’t it wonderful how people’s memories get distorted by time.
B: Thank God, McCain is behind NAFTA, now you can go for his guts.
H: But, the damn squirt from Chicago has caused all these problems. God, I really dislike him for getting in my way for what belongs to me.
B: Just remember, the only one in your sights these days is Barack. Go for the jugular, twist the knife into him until he quits.
H: I’ll do my best. Dmn phone, who the hell calls at 3:00 a.m. anyway?