Tag Archives: jon stewart

WHAT IF TALK SHOWS TALKED SENSE?

Have you ever wondered what would happen if talk show hosts were required to sense on their programs?

Glenn Beck would be back to his job on the garbage truck.

Rush Limbaugh would be hustling for quarters on the streets of Poplar Bluff.

Bill O’Reilly would be coaching a Little League team.

Jon Stewart would be writing scripts for comedy shows.

Lou Dobbs would be president of the International Independent Truckers of America.

All blond haired Fox News Female analysts would be in the Starlight Lounge Strip Tease Review.

Wolf Blitzer would be a PR man for a college.

Steven Colbert would be a barker at a carnival.

The average American IQ would rise by 10 points.

The silence would be golden

MISSED OCCUPATIONS FOR PEOPLE

Following are occupations that certain people should have pursued.

MICHAEL VICK: Owner of a cat cemetery.

PARIS HILTON: Being the real Paris Hilton

BERNIE MARDOFF: Used car salesman.

OSAMA BIN LADEN: Owner of a Kosher Salami company.

DICK CHENEY: Head of the American Mortician Association.

GEORGE BUSH: Kindergarten teacher.

JON STEWART: Reporter for the Smithtown Daily Record.

TED KENNEDY: President of the United States(wow, he would have been great in this occupation!)

JOE THE PUMBER: A plumber?

PRESIDENT SARKOZY: Public relations agent for a soap company

MISSED OCCUPATIONS

FOLLOWING ARE OCCUPATIONS CERTAIN PEOPLE MIGHT HAVE ENJOYED

LOU DOBBS Director of an Abortion Clinic.

DON RUMSFELD Greeter at Walmart.

RUDY GIULIANI Selling peanuts at Yankee Stadium.

GLENN BECK Grave digger.

JON STEWART Head of agency that just got GOP Ad contract.

PRESIDENT AHMADINEJAD Orthodox Rabbi in Brooklyn.

MICHELLE OBAMA Super model.

BERNIE MADOFF Used car salesman.

MILEY CYRUS Stripper in slum night club.

TEA PARTY ORGANIZER Doctor in Emergency ward located in violent neighborhood.

NOBODY ASKED ME BUT

Following are the comments on the human condition by a boy trapped in the body of a 78 year old man.

Nobody Asked Me But,

The Post Office is NOT supposed to make a profit. It is a public service like the armed forces!

I enjoy the Jon Stewart show but he simply does not grasp that his attempts to be cute fall flat. Groucho Marx, he is not.

I am still shocked at the idea there is sport news in the Wall Street Journal.

I am a bagel bigot. I can not become accustomed to Christians eating bagels. Bagels are reserved for Jews. Just ask God.

By mistake I paid for my AARP membership until 2016. If I die before, do I get a refund?

Every store advertises, “buy one, get one,” or “50% off.” If they can make a profit this way, how come we only got one last year and paid the full price?

One day before I die I will enter an eating establishment in which not a single person in on a cell phone. Then, I can die in peace.

Am I allowed to go over to a man who has finished the sport section of USA Today, and ask for it?

I never take my sunglasses if it is cloudy in the morning. Clouds change, not me.

I watched a video clip of Tea Party crazies shouting and insulting everyone. Then, I turned on Discovery channel and saw a group of chimpanzees yelling and screaming. Now, I know we ARE descended from chimpanzees.

I feel proud to be an American as I walk through a mall and see the diversity that is modern America.