This year we initiate the first annual Turkey Awards to individuals who have displayed incompetence, evil, and nastiness during the course of the year. We also identify the people who have endued persecution and oppression during the year. Individuals are placed in either one of three categories:
The Schmuck is the one who piles the tray with too many bowls of soup, the Schlemiel is the one who trips and spills the soups, the Schlamazel is the one who has the soup spilled on him/her.
GEORGE BUSH His punishment is spending eternity locked in a hotel room with Rumsfeld and Osama bin Laden swapping war stories.
Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe–He is forced to parade in full military regalia in the Ms. Zimbabwe beauty contest and then recite his stories of olden heroism.
Military Junta of Myanmar: Placed in a cave with hungry tigers outside while they write another new Constitution.
Omar Bashir of Sudan: He has women from Darfur shove sticks up his ass.
President Ahmadinejad –He awakes one morning to discover he is an Orthodox Jew.
Taliban Leaders — They are forced to live in a gay community in Afghanistan and partake of the daily sexual activities.
Turkish Men Who Beat Wives: They must dress in a burka for a year and pretend they are women.
Dick Cheney: He sits in a dark room in Guantanamo prison gazing at nothing for ten years.
Sarah Palin: She spends the next ten years as Mayor Of Harlem and gives daily talks about how wonderful it is to be in the real America.
John McCain: He is forced to write a thousand times: “I conducted the worst campaign in political history.”
Detroit Car Executives: They will fly in their private jets for a year and there will be no executive toilet on the planes.
Joe The Plumber: He will fix toilets in outhouses for the next five years so he can waddle in the shit he speaks at Republican rallies.
Silvio Berlusconi: He will spend the next five years in a Roma camp where he can give identify tatoos to the men.
Vladmir Putin: He will become a professional wrestling promoter who spends his time fixing wrestling matches.
Chinese Leaders: They will spend two years in a Tibetan monastery contemplating their navels.
Anti-Gay Voter In California: They will be exiled to a gay community on the island of Tahiti.
Condi Rice: She will become a cleaning woman at Stanford University so she can clean up the dirt she has left around the world.
British Academics Who Wanted To Boycott Israel: They will visit the Congo, Myanmar, Saudi Arabia, Iran, Zimbabwe, Afghanistan and other bastions of academic freedom they don’t believe should be boycotted.
The American Public who got lied to and bamboozled by George Bush.
People of Zimbabwe who have been oppressed for too long.
Chicago Cub baseball fans who last attended a world series game about eighty years ago.
People of Burma who deserve some decency in their lives.
Muslim women in nations like Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia who are entitled to be treated as human beings with equal rights to men.
Children attending schools throughout the world who have to endure the endless babble of boring teachers.
People of Tibet who just want a bit of respect for their dignity as humans from the Chinese government.
Russian people who have longed throughout history for real democracy.
The people of the Congo who are forgotten by the world.
Gays and Lesbians all over the world who just want to be left in peace.