A Republican Faith Congress

Republican presidential hopefuls had a session on Faith in which each discussed his or her feelings about faith and love and  justice. We offer a sample of what they said:

Newt Gingrich:  “I have always carried Jesus in my heart, particularly in my marriages. Jesus told us to carry his word to all parts of the world. I did my part, I married a few times and thus carried Jesus to each of my wives. In fact, I had such faith in my first wife that I told her as she lay in the hospital bed that I was divorcing her.”

Rick Perry:  “I am a Jesus man. I keep Jesus in my heart each day as governor of the great state of Texas. I give the word to execute bad men just like Jesus told me. I always feel comfortable giving wealthy folk a few tax breaks because Jesus loved the wealthy and had contempt for the poor.”

Mitt Romney: “As a Mormon, I believe in Jesus. In fact, I believe in any holy man if in so doing I get a few extra votes. Jesus was a good man-or was he a good son-of-God? Sorry, I don’t want to alienate Jews or Mormons or atheists so let me make clear that I believe fervently in Jesus Christ–whenever appearing before a Christian crowd.”

Rick Santorum:  “I love Jesus. I love Jesus. I hate abortionists. I hate abortionists. To love Jesus is to hate lazy and sinful people. That is his message, “love the wealthy because in so doing you will find a place in Heaven.”

Michele Bachmann: “Who is this Jesus guy the rest of you are talking about? Does he have something to do with Christianity?”

Herman Cain: “I love Jesus. I love him because he ordered a heck of a lot of pizza pies. I love Jesus because the more I say this, the more votes I get.”