And Our Moderen Moses Rested- Rudy G.’s Big 12

God said it all in ten statements, but Rudy G. needed twelve. He gleefully announced his twelve steps toward health, security, and prosperity for all Americans. Rudy G. is not going to rest until every single person in America has health insurance, a good job, and, if an immigrant, an identity card. He assured one and all that his vision is daring and accomplishing the impossible.

I am a bit confused, Rudy G, Republicans, — your political party– have controlled Congress for most of the past seven years but you want to ‘impose accountability” and “restore fiscal discipline and end wasteful Washington spending.” Does this mean you will campaign for Democrats to get control of Congress?

I really like your pledge to “increase adoptions, decrease abortions and protect the quality of life of our children.” I know you like to marry women, but Rudy G. aren’t you setting a rather large task for yourself. The only way to “increase adoptions” is for married couples to adopt children. Does this mean you will marry a few million American women and begin adopting a lot of children? Don’t get me wrong, I know you like to marry and dump women, but this is really a big task.

I am a bit confused about the pledge to “keep America on offense in the terrorists’ war on us.” According to polls, the majority of America prefers getting our soldiers home, not going on another offense to eliminate weapons that don’t exist. Of course, with you as our leader instead of the whimp, Bush, we finally will have a man in charge who knows all about war. After all, Rudy G. got draft deferments during the Vietnam War because he really doesn’t want to be in situations where the bad guys shoot back, heck, one can get killed that way. So, tell us, Rudy G., exactly where will this “offense” occur?

I like the bit about tax cuts and offering Americans up to $15,000 a year to purchase medical insurance. By the way, Rudy G., have you considered the fact that poor people lack access to medical insurance and really don’t benefit from tax cuts. Actually, cutting taxes only helps those who already have medical insurance. Could you please explain to we unenlightened voters exactly how you will get medical insurance to the 40 million who can’t afford it?

As I read your twelve pledges, you will ensure EVERY child has access to quality education, solve the energy problem, restore our reputation in the world, reform the legal system, and God knows what else.

Of course, I am somewhat confused about the absence of Iraq in the big twelve. However, I am impressed by your Iraq statement: “Iraq may get better, Iraq may get worse… I don’t know the answer to that, but what we do know for sure is that the terrorists are going to be at war with us a year, year-and-a-half from now.” I suspect that analysis derived from extensive study of the situation in Iraq.

God rested after six days because He got tired, but you appear to be prepared for an entire seven day hard working week until every single problem in this world is solved. I have a question: have you considered replacing God and restoring accountability to Heaven? Just consider, Rudy, if you take over Heaven, angels will be able to drive their cars without being pestered by squeegee men running up and wiping their windshields.