COMMENTS YOU NEVER WILL HEAR

Following are comments that were never spoken, but most probably thought.

Senator John Ensign: Bill Clinton had a blow job which is not a natural way of having sex. I screwed a woman in a good Christian manner, that’s why he should have resigned and I should be praised for practicing the Christian religion.

Barack Obama: A fly at a time is the road to restoring economic health.

Hillary Clinton: Avigdor Lieberman and Benjamin Netanyahu explain why people become anti-semites.

Guy Who Raises Commercial Sound Level: I wear ear plugs, why don’t you?

Ahmadinejad: My hero is Mayor Daley of Chicago. You told him how many votes were needed and he delivered. He was a true man of the Koran.

Alex Rodriguez: OK, I am batting 220 and earn $25 million a year. I was signed for my fielding, not my hitting.

Rupert Murdoch: My goal is reducing newspapers to a common denominator– the reading level of an eight year old.

General Petraeus: It’s 2020 and I’ll be ready to retire and turn the Afghan program over to the next general.

NRA Shooter: It specifically says in the 2nd Amendment everyone has a right to use an assault weapon to kill a squirrel. After all, they are dangerous.

David Letterman: My mistake was saying the daughter got knocked up. I should have said the mother.

Manager Of Mortons: Maybe running a McDonald’s won’t be that bad. At least I’ll have a job.

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