Rush Limbaugh: “When I was a fat little boy, I got bullied. Now, I’m a fat little man, and watch me do the bullying!!”

Barack Obama: “I was for the release of torture photos before I came out against releasing them.”

Hillary Clinton: “Listening to Benjamin Netanyahu declaim and declare on the Middle East is like listening to George Bush explain why there really are WMD.”

Justice Scalia: ” A literal interpretation of the Constitution is when I read it, a liberal interpretation of the Constitution is when Justice Breyer reads it.”

Rudy Giuliani: “I’ve kept my mouth shut but modesty does not become me. I was responsible for ending the swine flu epidemic in New York, I was the one who ended the stock market crash, I was the one who got this country moving again. And, I am available for speaking engagements at $75,000 per night.”

General McKiernan: “I got fired for doing what Secretary of Defense Gates told me to do. I guess you can’t fire yourself.”

Bill Bennett: “The only thing heavier than my attempts to be profound is the weight of my body.”

Congresswoman Bachman: “I may sound like a bimbo, but I only prostitute my soul, not my body.”

Wendy Tiny Burgers: “Take one gulp and I’m in your tummy. Take one breath, and you have heart burn.”

George Bush: “Cheney? Yeah, I once knew a man with that name. Is he still alive?”