Following are comments that never will be publicly spoken.

Jay Leno: Two decades of telling jokes written by other people.

Jerry Seinfeld: You mean there are black people living in New York City!

Don Rumsfeld: I was Secretary of Defense, that’s my defense.

Arnold Schwarzenegger; I’ll be so happy to be terminated as governor of California.

Governor David Patterson: Could you repeat that again about what a governor does besides getting paid?

Jeb Bush: George is the twig of the family, I’m the tree.

Paris Hilton: I did find the perfect job for me– shoveling horse manure.

Kim Jong Il: If I act crazy they treat me like a man in need of money.

Auto Mechanic: When I don’t have a clue, I just say the Johnson rod is broke.

Spike Lee: Playing an angry black man makes more money that playing an oreo Negro man.