Following are comments that never will be spoken in public.

Tom Cruise: Scientology is a lot of hooey, but it is great publicity for my movies.

Osama bin Laden: Gee, I miss George, Dick, and Don. They made me who I am.

Bill O’Reilly: The louder my schmucky voice, the higher the ratings.

Norm Coleman: Five more years of court appeals and Franken will never see the inside of the Senate.

Ms. California: Oh, abortion means ending a life, I thought it meant ending my shot at Ms. California.

Robert Gates: Thank God, no more meetings with the Head Twig and the chain man.

Nancy Pelosi: A CIA briefing is real torture so they are right I knew about torture years ago.

Mayor Bloomberg: Democracy means all elections should be won by the person with the largest fortune.

GM Executive: OK, we filed for bankruptcy, we got twenty billion, now what was it we were supposed to do?

Senate Republican: I hope the next court nominee from Obama is a lesbian mom from Brooklyn who had two abortions earlier in life.