Following are comments that never will be spoken.

PARIS HILTON: Maybe if I became a terrorist for a week, I’d be back in the news.

Education Chancellor Joel Klein: Frank McCourt never would have met our GPA standards which ensure quality.

BARRY GOLDWATER: I never knew the GOP meant Great Outrageous Putzes. Who are these people, they never met an intelligent idea they could accept!

LOU DOBBS: I hate liberals and do gooders. That’s why I am an independent.

MICHAEL VICK: They don’t allow dogs in locker rooms so the guys on my team are safe.

TIGER WOODS: I can’t win them all. Hmm, can I play the race card?

ISRAELI RABBI: Oy mein gutt, why didn’t God in his infinite wisdom make Saudi Arabia our beloved Israel?

SGT. CROWLEY: Sorry for the inconvenience, sir, have a good one.

JESUS: What if Bill O’Reilly and Lou Dobbs find out I never had a birth certificate! I guess there would go the religion.