Conversations With Alien On American Madness

I was recently contacted by a representative from the planet of Xul who was interested in learning about human life on this planet. OH, has encountered difficulty in attempting to understand our interesting ways of conduct. I attempted to explain current conflict swirling around the man we term, “our president.” As I explained to OH:

1. During the 2008 election, conservatives were upset at the Rev. Jeremiah Wright, who was the minister in the church attended by Barack Obama. Wright was considered an angry Christian who hated America.
2. Currently, Barack Obama is believed by close to thirty percent of Americans to be, not a Christian, but a Muslim. For some reason, Rev. Wright has disappeared from the scene. Undoubtedly, he was captured by terrorists.
3. There is turmoil about constructing a mosque near the Sacred Ground of 9/11 and over half the nation is furious that Muslims seek to build one on the Sacred Ground.
4. The proposed mosque is to be built two blocks from the Sacred Ground, but according to diagrams from Glenn Beck, two blocks is the same as being on the Sacred Ground.
5. There currently is a mosque two blocks from the Sacred Ground, but no one is concerned about that mosque, only the proposed mosque that will be built two blocks from the Sacred Ground.
6. There is a chapel at the Pentagon, which is also Sacred Ground and an imam conducts Muslim services in it, but that is no problem because the Pentagon Sacred Ground is not exactly the same as the Sacred Ground in New York City.
7. Glenn Beck does have a set of lines going from the Sacred Ground in NYC to the Sacred Grounds in Washington D.C., but I confessed to OH that it was difficult for my feeble mind to grasp the intricacy of the Glenn Beck lines. All I know is they are lines–going somewhere for some reason.
8. This man, Barack Obama, who currently is our President, is really an offspring of a gorilla who resides in Kenya. This gorilla whose name is Osama bin Laden, secretly traveled to Hawaii forty odd years ago and had sex with a female human and produced a child gorilla who looks like the mother. The gorilla is a member of a special tribe of Muslim gorillas and they cleverly forged the birth certificate of the child, Barack Obama– please note- dad’s name is Osama, child’s name is Obama. Interesting coincidence!
9. Anyway, to make a long story shorter, this Barack Obama– secret offspring of gorilla, Osama bin Laden– seeks to destroy the American economy by raising our national debt. Of course, the national debt was $5 trillion when George Bush became president and it was $11 trillion when he left, but Tea Party policy is that any debt incurred under a Republican president and Congress is the responsibility of Democrats who failed to act decisively when Republicans have deficits. Anyway, when the US is attacked by a Muslim gorilla army, one has to do something.

OH listened carefully to my explanation of America in the year, 2010. Oh, shook one of the three heads possessed, gave what I interpreted to be a sigh, patted me on the shoulder and said: “I will be reporting back to the Galactic Council of the need to establish an electronic barrier to prevent you Human life forms from going into space. Perhaps, in a thousand years, your life form will be capable of behaving differently. However, you do appear to be a fairly decent life form, so if you desire, I can arrange space on our craft.”

I thanked OH and reached an agreement that ten years from hence, I head off into space to join intelligent life forms.