I am pleased to announce that I was able to obtain an exclusive interview with Sarah Palin due to the intervention of my dear friend, Satan. As everyone knows, Sarah Palin is well acquainted with the Old Devil.
F: Governor Palin, many people are upset in the manner in which you have been treated by the biased liberal media which continues hounding you with questions about the world and domestic politics. How about telling America what you read?
P: Fred, could you imagine anything more biased than asking a person, without giving them time to talk with people who are training them to respond, questions about what they read!! Well, I read the Anchorage Times, every day. And, I am an avid reader of the Moose Gazette and the Caribou Inquirer. How come no one asks Barack Obama what he reads!
F: Let me assure you, Governor, this reporter will not be asking “gotcha” questions like your views on health care or minimum wages or the situation in Zimbabwe. Tell the public what you would like to discuss.
P: Thanks Fred, you are the first person who is not biased. First of all, let’s get down to the real issue facing this nation, and I am not talking about side issues like this Wall Street stuff. I want to talk about the moral decay in this nation. I want to talk about how our children are getting brain washed in schools by liberal do-gooders. I want to talk about all this sex education. It is sex education which gets kids doing sex. If we just stop talking about it, there will be no sex and that is the best way to deal with Wall Street and health care.
F: If we don’t have sex, how will we get babies?
P: I’m talking about morality, Fred, the moral decay in this nation. Of course, men and women can have sex if it is done in beds with the lights out and the man is on top of the woman. That’s what God meant about sex. End moral decay and we will end the banking crisis.
F: What else are the real issues facing this nation?
P: That snotty Kate woman never asked me that question. She never asked me a single questions about hunting and fishing. If we could get more Americans out moose hunting, they would get plenty of exercise and we could end obesity in this country. If we have fewer obese people, health problems will decline and everyone can take care of themselves without the government telling them which doctor to see and how to take care of themselves.
F: Governor Palin, what is your central philosophy of life?
P: I’m a maverick. John McCain is a maverick. John and I don’t follow the herd, we lead it.
F: If you are leading the herd, does that mean a maverick leads the sheep to slaughter?
P: No, a maverick like John McCain and I are different. We are mavericks. Check our websites which tell one and all we are the mavericks.
F: What are the fiscal policies of McCain and you?
P: Senator McCain and I have said over and over if people stop being negative and accentuate the positive, we will get out of this fiscal crisis. You have to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative if you want this nation’s economy to get back on the right track.
F: So, if a Palin-McCain ticket wins next month, what can America expect?
P: First of all, we are going to get government off the backs of Americans and allow our creative talents to keep American strong. There is nothing wrong with the economy that can’t be cured with a smile and a bit of optimism. It is time for America to get rid of Washington politicians and get this government back in the hands of soccer moms and Joe with his sixpack.
F: But, isn’t Senator McCain a Washington politician? He has been in Congress for over twenty years?
P: There are Washington politicians and there are politicians who work in Washington. Just remember, Senator McCain has seven homes so he is only in Washington a few days a month. He spends as much time in Colorado or Florida and other places. How can anyone call John McCain a Washington insider when he spends so much time outside in his beautiful homes? It’s the liberal media trying to smear his name.
F: Could you please tell the American people all about your wonderful leadership qualities?
P: I have considerable business experience starting with my time working at McDonalds. I have been a mayor, I have organized moose hunts, I have organized fishing trips, and you really ought to see me organize a snow mobile race. I have been responsible for making certain we count all Russian planes flying over Alaska, and, what most people don’t know, is I have been up all night counting planes. I can kill and skin a deer. Can Obama do that? Have you ever read in one of those liberal rags anyone writing to denounce Obama because he can’t skin a deer!! I know how to use snow shoes. Can either Obama or Biden with all their book learning do that. I have four, wait a second, is it five children, I’ll have to check that out the next time I am home. I’m a soccer mom who knows how to drink beer with Joe sixpack.
F: What about that Iraq stuff?
P: I refuse to insult our troops by making negative comments. We have brought democracy to Iraq and the Middle East. We have a wonderful ally in Israel. I love Israel. In fact, I once danced with some Jewish men at a wedding, or, I think it was a wedding.
F: Have you ever danced with a Muslim?
P: I have nothing against Muslims even thought they have a gutter religion and are haded down there.
F: Are we Jews headed down there?
P: If you want, Fred, I can get you in contact with your local Jews for Jesus chapter.
F: I’ll take a snow check on that one. Any last comments?
P: I still would like to know why the liberal media refuses to ask Obama and Biden important questions like can they skin a deer or hunt a bear. I just want the American people to know I support health care, and I want people to have a smile on their faces and when things seem gloomy, smile and feel happy because that is the best way to fight terrorism. And, if you have the chance go out to a forest and kill a deer for America, remember it is exercise and getting rid of excess weight because a trim nation is a healthy nation and a healthy nation will not have unhealthy financial issues. I am a maverick and John McCain is maverick.
F: I hope the American people read what you say.