Joe Schmuck, New Republican Candidate

After months  of listening to the collection of clowns currently seeking the Republican nomination for president, we have decided to place the name of our good friend, Joe Schmuck into the ring. Joe should win this nomination hands down.

1. Joe was born on a winter night in a log cabin in Maine. His folks were farmers.

2. Joe was born a Protestant, he converted to Catholicism, but after reaching the age of 18 decided to become a born again Christian.

3. Joe never got past the ninth grade because he dropped out to become a carpenter. His mind was never polluted with all that liberal dogma.

4. Joe married Sally Turner, whose real father is Father Duggan, but after trying to become a nun, she got a job as a waitress.

5. Neither Joe nor Sally reads a newspaper. However, each night they listen to Fox News.

6. After the housing boom collapsed, Joe decided to pick vegentables in the fields of farmers. He is against illegal immigrants who want to take his job.

7. Joe believes the Republican Party was founded by Jesus on a short visit to Earth.

8. Joe is against national health care. Sally and he take care of themselves. After all, if one of their nine children gets sick and dies there are at least eight left.

9. Joe and Sally have nine children and they get educated at home. They do not wish any of their children to go to college and get brainwashed by liberal professors.

10. If you give Joe a map he can point out the USA. What else should he know about?

11. Joe served two years in the US Army and was sent to Iraq where he could hit in the head–by a bullet, that is.

12.  Joe once had a beer with a guy who had some funny Hispanic name. And, he did  meet some Jew fellow.

13. Joe has absolutely not idea where Israel is located, but he will fight to death to protect it–and get Jews voting for Republicans!

14. And, don’t get Joe wrong,  some of his friends are of the black skin persuasion.

15. If elected, Joe promises to hold a religious ceremony to begin each Cabinet session.