Michele Bachmann:  “I was the perfect candidate.” Just ask anyone who thinks the American Revolution took place in 1876.

Newt Gingrich:  “I AM the perfect candidate.” I am the fattest person in the race and since one-third of Americans are obese, I can win this election.

Mitt Romney: “I am the richest person in this race.” Since God blessed those who are wealthy, then I am the only one who has God’s blessing.

Ron Paul: “I am the weirdest in this race.” Newt wants to go to the moon, me, I want to return to 1650 when we didn’t have paper money!

Rick Santorum:  “I have the best story about a parent. Have I told you during the past ten minutes about my grandfather who worked in coal mines….”

Rick Perry: “I am the best shot of any candidate. In fact, one day I’ll bring my gun to a debate and make certain it is one short debate.”

Donald Trump: “I am the toughest person in this race. In fact, I am going to fire the entire United States population and start a new firm called, America Plus.”