Have you ever wondered what it would be like growing up in a Republican family that was based on the philosophy of Ayn Rand?

1. Look, you little twirp, I took care of you all those months in the womb, now you’re on your own. Do you want to spend your life as a Socialist freeloader.

2. Get your damn little mouth away from my breast. I will not tolerate a lazy baby. I did not give birth to a freeloader. Find your own food.

3. You want food, check the garbage can.

4. OK, so it’s five miles to school. You are six, take a hike and it will prevent obesity.

5. You want sex? That will be 100 bucks an hour. I do offer a special, four sex breaks for $350.

6. I earn 70% of the money that comes into this house. That means I get 70% of the food we serve.

7. You’re the one having a baby. It is in your body. Get your big tummy to the hospital, I have to see the game tonight.

8. You are now ten years old. Sleep on the floor until you earn enough for a bed.

9. You want health insurance? Pushing a broom ten hours a day will help you pay off the health insurance company.

10. You want a doll? Fine, make one.

11. Two feet of snow. Here’s a shovel, make a path to school.

12. You want a football? Fine. Here is a newspaper, wrap it up and make a football.