Newt Now Upholds Morality

In the coming days, Newt Gingrich will announce to the people of America that he has decided to run for president in order to restore family values to that institution. He believes under the administration of an illegal Muslim immigrant from Kenya, this nation has lost its sense of purpose. How can a Muslim black dude represent we white Christian folk? Of course, for those of you of the Jewish persuasion, Newt recognizes you are also children of Jesus, at least in origin. Newt is distressed at what has happened during the past two years-war in Iraq, war in Afghanistan, begun by Democratic presidents whose radical liberal ideas are undermining our historic belief in peace and friendship with all.

There are unconfirmed reports that on the occasion of his announcement, Newt will be surrounded by the three women with whom he shared a marriage bed, including the two he told to leave when his then mistress wanted to get married. Unlike, this black Muslim president who has remained married, Newt upholds the sanctity of telling your wife who is in a hospital bed that you seek a divorce in order to marry someone else. Has Barack Obama ever had such COURAGE?

Newt will also reveal on Wednesday that he opposed Bush deficit policies, but was unable to openly speak about them in order to prevent Muslim fanatics from gaining control of the presidency. This is simply another example of Newt’s profile in courage under adversity.

There are also unconfirmed reports that Newt intends to have Mitt as his running mate because a Newt and Mitt ticket will prove welcome to people who are tired of Mutt and Jeff tickets.