NOBODY ASKED ME BUT,

Each week, we offer biased and unproven observations on the human condition as seen through the mind of a 77 year-old American.

Nobody, Asked Me But,

I saw a sign in a barber shop that said: “haircuts for men, women, seniors.” I did not realize I am now a member of another species on planet Earth.

New York bagels taste different than those in the Mid-West. Is it the water?

I evaluate the quality of a suburban area by my ability to obtain a copy of the New York Times in a supermarket or book store.

I was walking along and had a piece of paper I wanted to get rid of but the laws of American prevent me from leaving my paper in another person’s trash bin.

Public enemy on planet Earth is the person who idles a car while waiting for someone. A hand from the sky should zap this individual.

John McCain is the uncle who tells interesting stories but never gets a warm greeting from the children.

Barack Obama comes across to elderly people as the grandson who has quirky ideas and friends.

I am disappointed if a bank does not provide free coffee, and, at least a cookie. That’s the least they can do for me given they are using my money to make money.

Whenever I see a sign advertising “fresh corn” I wonder if the store owner just came back from picking the corn in a field.

Men with pot bellies should never wear suspenders.

If you are sitting in a restaurant with your spouse it is permitted to speak to strangers at the next table.

I came across an entrance with a locked gate that even I at 77 could leap over. Why lock it?

In contrast to opening an account one does not get the same warm greeting as when one closes a bank account.

I get irritated at the van which is parked in back of your car so you can’t leave and when you politely request them to move it, the response invariably is a snarl because you had the effrontery to park your car in the wrong spot.

I was waiting to board a plane and was so delighted when they allowed soldiers to go to the front of the line.

Only in New York does a driver swerve across four lanes to get to the left lane.

These days I rarely see a thin father with an eight year old thin son.

There is no greater guilt than when someone serves you instead of serving the person who was there before you.

I often wonder if I am guilty of a crime when after drinking my coffee, I use the cup to get some soda.

There ought to be a law making it a crime punishable by death if something is put on your hamburger bun without your expressed verbal or written permission.

I spend enormous time debating whether I should purchase white or black sneakers. My compromise it having black shoes for walking and white sneakers for playing ball. I am an affirmative action supporter.

I wish it were possible for me to place Ron Paul in a time machine and send him back to the “good old days” when children worked in mines and if someone got hurt on the job they were fired. The man lives in a fantasy world about the “good old days.”

There is a moment of hesitation between mother and father as to who holds the crying child, but in the end, nine out of ten times, mom holds the baby.

When I drive along a major highway and wish to get off for fuel or food, those places invariably are on the other side of the highway.