Each week we offer biased and unsubstantiated observations on the human condition by a 77 year old American who retains the mind of an 11 year old boy.

Nobody Asked Me But,

We hide bowel movements and pissing but not breathing and eating. Why?

If I drink a bad cup of coffee it kills drinking coffee for at least a day.

A doctor wearing informal clothes immediately loses my trust in his professional capacities. One must dress the role.

I become suspicious of a ringless woman having lunch with a ringed man.

If I was John McCain I would worry about getting Paris Hilton as my enemy. She might decide to play at being John McCain for a week and shoveling all the dirt he is leaving in his trail of distortion.

As my life reaches the age of 77, there is less interest in eating a hamburger at a fast food establishment. Death is approaching, why speed it up.

If two people are eating, and a person sits down at the table should that person be asked to share some of the food?

I saw a sign which said: “St. Louis Closet Center Open” I assume the company is owned by gays or lesbians.

If a mom is wearing shorts, the daughter invariably is wearing jeans.

A hundred years ago if one had a chest pain, they took a shot of whiskey. Today, the person gets about a $100,000 worth of doctors and medicine. I wonder if the shot of whiskey was not only less expensive but just as good medicine.

Myanmar has disappeared from the news but the people of Burma have not disappeared from the brutality of Myanmar.

After all the events leading up to the Olympics, the Games will be an anti-climax.

At the Missouri Baptist Hospital, they have a sign reading: “Visitors Smoking Area.” Why not a “Visitors Heart Attack Area?”

There are people who yank the chair out to sit, I am the type who slides into the chair.

I always feel awkward leaving a group of people at a table because I am certain they will discuss a topic that I want to discuss. I hate missing out on anything.

What is the probability there will be two blond haired women at the same table?

Over weight hospital staff lose my confidence in their ability to be an excellent health care provider.

I saw a family of six and three had the same nose. How can people doubt genetics.

When I walk into an empty hospital cafeteria I struggle deciding where I should sit. It is so much easier making that decision in a full cafeteria.

If my wife is lying in a hospital bed and all evidence is she is OK, do I have the right to spend some extra time having a cup of coffee?

I once interviewed 35 Playboy Bunnies and am an authority on beautiful women. The one thing I learned is that beautiful women rarely believe they are beautiful.

I have often wondered where did shaking one’s fist in the air at an athletic event first begin. Somehow, I doubt the Greeks did it.

I saw a sign which said: “Cancer Infusion Center.” It was located next to the Emergency Room. I guess if you go around infusing people with cancer your center should be located next to an Emergency Room.

I wonder if it is a rule the last person rising from the table has to get rid of the trash. This does not sound very democratic to me.

I read thirty newspapers a day but never read the Wall Street Journal. It lacks comic strips and a sport section so how can it be a worthwhile newspaper?

I passed by a bank under construction. If we returned to a barter system there would be mass unemployment or we might switch to building useful things like homes or bridges.

I saw a young man with a bag slung over his shoulder and the word “gay” came into my mind. Bigotry has no logic, that’s why it is bigotry.

Is Dick Cheney still alive?