Each week we offer the biased and completely unsubstantiated observations of a 78 year old man with the mind of an 11 year old boy.

Nobody Asked Me But,

My approach to dieting is simple, take a bite of a candy bar or lick of an ice cream cone and throw them away.

I rub my face after eating, not wipe it. I am from the working class.

If a woman sits down to eat lunch, immediately gets a concerned look on her face, and jumps up to leave, it is certain she realizes the cell phone is in the car.

“Settling up” for lunch invariably produces confused looks and awkward moments.

Why do two men sit at a lunch table each reading a newspaper and not talking. It’s freaking lunch time, fellas.

There is no more grotesque sight than observing a person shoving french fries down their throat while giggling on the cell phone.

I never got into wearing jeans. I wonder why.

Americans are tempermentally unable to sit quietly at lunch contemplating the world in silence. Within a few moments, a hand reaches for text messaging or the cell phone.

If this was 1936, and the Olympics was n Nazi Germany, I can just see a CNN interview with Herr Hitler. “So, Herr Hitler, please tell our viewing audience all about those wonderful vacation spots you are building for German Jews.”

I never feel left out lacking a blackberry. Neither do I have a strawberry or a rasberry.

John McCain never met a conflict in which bombing was not the solution.

I never received my tax rebate but fear complaining because it will cause attention being made to my finances. Somehow, I prefer not getting the government to look in my direction.

A white haired elderly man who has a white moustache that has black tinges, is, by definition, distinguished looking.

A man backed his car into a parking spot even though twenty feet ahead he could readily have just driven in. Now, you know why obesity is an American problem.

If Sarah Palin can be a Vice President coming from being mayor of a town of 5,000, what position does Mayor Bloomberg of New York qualify for?

My mind invariably becomes intrigued when a single woman enters the coffee shop at 2:00 p.m.

America will be a happy land the day when bikes happily zoom around our streets.

Is Dick Cheney still alive? He has become the most unseen vice president since John Garner in 1933 who once referred to the position as worth a warm bucket of spit.

Walking in downtown St. Louis at 3:00 p.m. is an experience in loneliness.

It is an oxymoron to say “pudgy policeman.” You are either pudgy or a policeman.

Putting coins in a soda machine inevitably produces that moment of anxiety waiting to see if the bottle or can will emerge.

If a person does not get their soda, they immediately begin a conversation with the machines. Sir, it s a machine, not a person.

I don’t believe it is permissible for a husband and wife to wear the same colored clothes.

I hate it when a sale is advertised and you can’t find the item or if you do the price is not what is advertised.

People stand with folded arms waiting for the microwave to complete its cycle.

I have the right to kick any machine that doesn’t emit my candy bar.

Rudy Giuliani will inform the Republican convention how he ended crime in New York by driving out the weegee men and John McCain will begin every comment with, “when I was a prisoner in Vietnam…….”