I increasingly have come to the conclusion George Bush was the only intelligent one in his administration. He got the hell out of Washington D.C. and kept his mouth shut.

If a friend comes in from out of town, I am torn with the dilemma– breakfast, lunch or dinner for our meeting?

My feet got wet due to heave rain. Who do I sue? I am an American!

The life of an actor named Brad or an actress named Angela is among the most boring topics in humanity.

I have come to the conclusion when ads claim that “more people” or “more doctors” desire something the figures they use derive from More, North Dakota which has a doctor and twelve people.

Marilyn Monroe projected more sexuality in one scene than 99% of modern actresses do in an entire film.

My goal is walking five miles on my 80th birthday. What’s yours?

I would drop dead of shock if I entered a McDonald’s and everyone was lean.

My initial act as dictator of America is to issue an edict banning advertisements on the telephone between the hours of 12:01 a.m. to 11:59 p.m. I’ll give you guys two minutes to talk fast.

A Republican is to economic common sense as to the Knicks are to winning NBA championships.

I feel naked if a pen is not clipped to my shirt pocket.

I am available to any al-Qaeda terrorist seeking to cross over from Canada to America. I will sell my AAA map of the region for a million dollars.