Pakistan PM Gilani Speaks

This blog has undoubtedly mistreated Prime Minister Gilani of Pakistan in claiming that his government was in “cahoots” with Osama bin Laden. In the spirit of fairness we offer a completely fictiional interview conducted with the man from Pakistan.

M: Sir, this blog claims you knew Osama bin Laden was in your country. Is this true?

G: I just read in a New York newspaper they have found bodies on Long Island and these murders were done by a serial killer. How come no one has been able to find that killer?

M: Sir, but that is not the same as not knowing Osama was in your country.

G: Pakistan is a large country. Tell me, does President Obama know the names of everyone who lives in the suburbs of Washington D.C.? Suppose I told you the Pakistan secret intelligence just sent a secret agent who is now in Washington D.C! How come the president does not know he is there?

M: But, your ISI created the Taliban and continues to support it.

G: We support all those who believe in our religion and seek to spread the word of Allah. The ISI has repeatedly, and let me emphasize, repeatedly told the Taliban not to kill American soldiers. Is it my fault that US soldiers get in the way of bullets that were simply fired in celebration of someone’s baby being born? Why am I, why is Pakistan always blamed? How come no one ever blames India? Tell me, why no blame on India?

M: We aren’t fighting people from India.

G: Well, my question is: why not? India conducts terrorist attacks on peaceful Muslims in Kashmir and the US is not interested at that terrorism. How come?

M: I think we are off the point.

G: No, we are not. The issue is Kashmir. The issue is Indian terrorism in Kashmir. The ISI simply supports those who fight to free Kashmir. Unfortunately, sometimes their bullets wind up in Afghanistan. It is simply an honest mistake.

M: So, about Osama..

G: I would like to see US Special Forces operating in Kashmir. Look, the Taliban believe in God, you Americans believe in God, the Taliban want to end gays, most Americans want to end gays, the Taliban don’t want the government telling them what to do in their private lives, and neither does your Republican Party. Put it this way, the Taliban and al-Qaeda reflect the values of the American Republican Party. In other words, Americans should shed tears at the death of this holy religious man.

M: That certainly clears up things. Thanks.