PERFECT IOWA REPUBLICAN PITCH

Ladies and gentlemen, and, fellow Christians if I may without having agents of the Federal government arrest me for publicly praising the words and deeds of our Savior, Jesus Christ, today we face a struggle between the forces of the Devil and the forces of Christianity. I want everyone to know that not only was I baptized as a Catholic, but I also was baptized as a Baptist and a Lutheran and a born again Christian. Unlike our Muslim president, I believe in Jesus Christ. I believe that life begins from  the moment a male injects a female with his fluid, even if it is in the condom. In fact, we need a Constitutional amendment that declares anything in a condom is life itself.

I oppose abortion even if my wife, my sister, my daughter was raped by one of those evil Muslims. I believe we must fire a few million government workers in order to take the first step in creating jobs. We must end all taxes on those who earn over a million dollars a year in order to assist job creators to create more jobs. I believe we must end taxes on those who work and allow those who work to keep all they earn from the work they do. Ending taxation is the first step on the road to prosperity and jobs.

Oh, I know some will wonder how we can pay for police or firemen. Simple, if you use their services then you pay for their services. If you want your child educated, don’t pay school taxes, educate the child and end secular tyranny from preventing our children to learn about Jesus Christ. Once job creators are creating new jobs in oil then we can simply charge a slight fee for extracting oil from federal lands and that will take care of funding the federal government.

Before I conclude, let me assure my Jewish friends, that while we are a Christian nation, we will protect Israel. You should have the right to educate Jewish children in Jewish schools. And, as for those who are Mormon, my question is: why are you?

So, give a prayer for Jesus, give a prayer urging our armed forces to kill a Muslim for Christ and let’s get America great again!