Report From Secret Diary Of Anna Chapman

This intrepid reporter has been able to uncover the secret diary of Russian spy Anna Champman which contains messages she sent to Russian security officials regarding her activities in the United Kingdom and the United States.

March 5, 2005: “I had a drink of vodka with noted an important English lord and we discussed his recent exploits hunting the hounds. I am pleased to report that English lords continue their parasitic efforts to kill hounds.”

April 1, 2006: “I had lunch with Mrs. Brown whose real name is Sarah Moskowitz. She confessed to me that the name change occurred due to continued discrimination against Jews in English high society. This should enable our government to make known to international Jewish bankers that Russia is among the most friendly places for Jews.”

November 7, 2007: “I was at the home of a Lord Faunterloy and while he stepped out of the room, I took pictures of him as a small boy dressed in a silly outfit. These photos can be used to embarrass this lord and make him reveal the location of his famous wine bottles.”

March 12, 2008: “I was at the home of Susan Smith and while she stepped out of the kitchen, I quickly took possession of her recipes for apple and blueberry pie. I believe with these recipes Russia can enter the pie making industry and become dominant among pie makers in the world.”

September 19, 2008: “I was asked to baby sit for the Spector family while they went to the movies. I entered the study of Mr. Spector and appropriated five baseball cards which date from the 1930s. The cards will enable Russia to assume leadership in the sale of old baseball cards.”

February 17, 2009: “I attended a party given at the Vanderbilt estate and was able to have a glass of wine at a table at which the famous movie actor Tom Cruise was seated. We discussed the weather and he told me that in the coming months his new picture will be released. He also told me that, now deceased, actor Paul Newman really was not the inventor of the dressing that is now sold with his name. It originally was developed by a Russian named Vladmir Putin.”

In the coming months I will be able to supply a complete list of debutantes who will attend the debutant ball in October of this year. The list includes their height and weight.