i confess to being a card-carrying liberal socialist commie, but my heart still remains in America. I want the Republican Party to field a candidate for president in 2012 that can offer America two choices for leader. We have found that man, examine his credentials.

Name: Joe Forrest

Born: July 4, 1070

Birth Certificate: Yes. It is signed by Michael Brown and he supplied his birth certificate.

Place: Jackson, Mississippi

American Heritage; Great, great, great, great Grandfather was Bedford Forrest, general in Confederate army and founder of KKK.

Education. Graduated from high school, two years in community college.

Major: Business

Occupation: Hedge Fund expert

Married: Yes.

Married to Woman: Yes.

Wife: Jill Stuart, great, great, great, great granddaughter of Jeb Stuart, Confederate general.

Marriage Certificate: Yes. Notarized by Bank Of America employee.

Children: Yes, native born. Two boys and two girls.

Hair Colors: All blond.

Drug Use: Only over-the counter.

Favorite Films: Patton and Gone With The Wind

Favorite Song: God Bless America

Income: $5,000,000 per year.

Health Insurance: Pays doctor for each visit.

Favorite Foods: Hamburgers and Hot Dogs.

Religion: Christian. Sunday is Favorite Day of Week.

Extra Marital Affairs: Only with friends.

African Americans: Some of their best friends are colored folk, not that they want their kids to marry one.

Asians: They eat Chinese once a week. They once took a picture for some Jap visitors in Jackson.

Abortion: Against it.

Deficit: They oppose it.

Medicare: They support private health care model of it.

Raising Taxes on Wealthy: Hell no, that’s OUR money!

America: They say the Pledge of Allegiance each morning before eating.

Gays: They work with one and smile at him every day.

Rumors: They deny emphatically the story about a “menage-a-trois” with Newt Gingrich.

Foreign Policy Ideas: He believes there must be a foreign policy.

Libya: Joe needs a moment to check where it is, he assumes it is near New York City, after all, that is a foreign city.

Poverty: He believes poverty is bad for one’s health.

Education Policy: Teachers are lazy and over-paid, we have to return to the old days when kids learned reading, riting and rithmetic.