SURPRISE! Putin Nominated For President!!

We have received unconfirmed reports about a major earthquake in Russia which resulted in the nomination of Vladmir Putin to be the candidate of United Russia for president of Russia. It was a close vote, but Putin gained 614 of 614 ballots that were cast. Ordinarily, we would expect the Great Man to secure at least 675 of the 614 ballots that were cast. Something is amiss in Putin Russia when he can’t even get more votes than votes which were cast. We suspect the CIA is behind this travesty of justice.

Vladmir was upset at recent polls which indicate his party–and when he says, “his party,” he means just that, would not get a majority of votes in parliament. The party belongs to him, and get that straight  so we don’t want to hear any more about not getting the valid 80% of votes and seats. This is definite proof the CIA and other nefarious secret groups are working to disrupt his campaign.

I am at a loss. How can Vladmir the Great One not secure 110% of votes in any honest election??