Why Can’t We Be Like Danes?

The American conservative movement is predicated on the assumption that Jesus Christ was not only a capitalist at heart, but he wanted to despoil the planet in the name of greed and money. What do you think he meant by, “blessed are the meek?” He meant that Wall Street folk are oppressed because they want to meekly ruin the planet with pollution. Of course, Republicans hate the people of Denmark. Those crazy folk cycle 2.6 kilometers a day. If all Europeans did the same amount of bike riding, it would achieve 26% of European Union targets for reducing greenhouse gas emissions.

As a dedicated Republican, I have to oppose such thinking. We forget that Americans lead the world in obesity. By being overweight, we Americans keep fast food establishments humming with business, we walk around like junior versions of Santa Claus and bring cheer to one and all who likes o sell fatty foods.

Let the Danes cycle to their heart’s content. They are simply not God fearing plump folks like we Americans. Keep gas pumps pumping is our slogan!